Why my brother won't go with me on the Amazing Race

Last week I posted a blog on southernauthors.blogspot.com about "Why I wanted to go on the Amazing Race." Actually a couple of years ago me and my baby brother did send in an audition video but we weren't accepted. Apparently he is very grateful because after my blog posted on Facebook he had a rather typical brother response. I thought I'd share both my blog and his with you and you can judge for yourself why it took me years to like him. After all I had been the baby for eight years when he showed up as a "surprise". I called him an "accident", my mother changed it to "surprise." I can say that he is right though. If he did go with me on there he would probably ruin any chance of a church having me back for a women's conference....And for the record, if they would have chosen us years ago, he wouldn't have said no...

Why I want to go on the Amazing Race

If you knew me, you'd know that the mere thought of me being on the Amazing Race is absurd. I travel with my own sheets and Lysol. I am very particular about where I stay. And when I went to Romania, well, let's just say thank the Lord I had me some cheese crackers!

But there is something inside of me that so wants to be on the amazing race. However, I would have to have a partner who isn't afraid of heights, will eat anything and can speak most languages and is well versed in "nasty". Because some people can just be plain nasty! And I'm a southerner, we don't do nasty. We do sweet as pie to your face and do "nasty" behind your back. Well, some do. Not me.

I mean serious, if I got to a challenge and had to bungie jump, well, you'd have to just knock me out and push me over because that's the only way I'd go. Or, if they stuck pig brain or, or, well, I can't imagine anything worse...but if they stuck that in front of me and said bon'appetite, I'd say, "If he don't come fried I ain't eatin' him!" And if I got to a road block and they told me I had to shave off my hair, well, I did think Demi Moore looked cool in G.I. Jane, but sister doesn't have her face, and I've grown fond of my locks, so I'd have to turn around and go all the way back.

The trouble is there is no one willing to go with me. No one wants to share this adventure! I can't understand why. I don't cry often. I throw fits only when necessary. And I'm almost over my fear of packed trains in India! So, I think I'd be a perfect partner.

It is a new year. The Amazing Race is accepting applications. And I do know both of my brother's social security numbers. So, what they know won't hurt them.

But if I never make it on the television show I have determined that this year is going to be an Amazing Race for me. Everyday. I'm going to eat things I've never eaten before. Did that new years day actually. Ate collards! I know I'm southern, but I never liked collards. But poured hot pepper vinegar over those things and I was like wow! I'm going to jump off of something this year! Maybe a hotel bed, or my sofa, but I'm jumping off of something! And I'm going to travel somewhere odd. Somewhere I've never been. Hey, I've never been to Washington State. Last person I saw come out of there looked kind of odd.

But no matter what it's going to be a race and it's going to be Amazing! Hope to see you along the way...


Damon's Response
Why I have Reservations about going with my sister on the Amazing Race:

Ok,

So my sister has said that she wants to go on Amazing Race (http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=48874241346) . Some of you may ask why I have told her I won't go with her. Let me give you a couple of reasons...

1. On a past stay in a hotel she insisted on sleeping ON TOP of her roommate in order to prevent any diseases from the sheets. She didn't put something else down she felt would be cleaner, she slept ON TOP of her roommate.

2. When she starts her car, other cars in her city begin to shake uncontrollably. The Franklin police have actually installed tracking devices on her car, and shut down city blocks while awaiting her arrival. I don't know what the penalty in Korea is for hitting a pedestrian, but I seem to remember a young man getting caned in the 90's for spray painting a car in a foreign country and can't imagine the punishment for rendering someone's legs useless would be much more lenient.

3. When is the last time you saw her in flats? Seriously? Do you think we could pull a wagon full of cow poo across a city with her in Prada pumps?

4. Her ministry. While I have no doubt that her testimony would remain in tact, I fear that it may be hampered by my inability to refrain from 4 letter eloquence if she were to refuse to shave her head, run fast enough, take a wrong turn, or run over an old lady resulting in my caning.

5. We would have to fly. I know some of you have traveled with her, but have any of you ever flown with her? In the past she has held the hands of complete strangers due to flight fright. I am not someone who gets nervous on planes. But if you have ever sat beside her on a flight with any turbulence, you immediately think you are going to lose both wings, decompress and end up the size of the little black box when impact occurs. I've only watched a couple of episodes and on each one I've seen them get on some form of aircraft. I would fear that what little hair I have left would end up looking like mange if I were to have to fly the friendly skies repeatedly with Doomsday Mary at my side.

All of this being said I must make it clear that I love my sister dearly. She cooks amazing meals, she loves to watch our baby girl when Sarah and I have date nights, and when you need someone to pray for you there isn't anyone much better. But if I have to saddle up my horses and ride into the competition sunset with her at my side, I fear our relationship may suffer irreparable damage.

After reading all of this, if she still feels that we have a shot, I will find someone to script and shoot the video and we will take the venture into the unknown.